Wow, I’m a little bit nervous. This is sort of like confession.
So it’s been a week, and I’ve been trying REALLY hard. But I’m not doing as well as I’d like.
I had a date with my oldest daughter last Friday. We (and her BFF) went to a Girl Scout thing at the Mad Platter. The girls, being all 10 and 11, decided that they want to help homeless animals for their Bronze Award project this year. They have to put in 15 hours of service, which is a lot for that age group. So we went and painted dog bowls and treat jars to be donated to Red Dog Farms Dogs on the Catwalk Auction. When we got there, I was super excited to discover that my old favorite Chinese take-out place, rather than closing down like I thought they had, was next door to Mad Platter. Yay! They only moved! Cashew Shrimp and a shrimp roll for me, Chicken Lo Mein for the girls. Hurray! We had fun painting, and I got to talk to some adults (Woo Hoo!) and help my friend and fellow Girl Scout Leader’s younger one paint a ceramic cat. I love the joy that young children take in art. It made me happy. Maybe even more happy than thinking about the Chinese binge waiting for me next door.
But then, woe is me, the Cashew Shrimp was terrible. Full of celery. I don’t remember it being mostly celery. I don’t like celery. And there were only 5 shrimp, and the baby ate 4 of them. Because if she sees me eating, she has to eat what I’m eating. Remind me to tell you about the spicy Indian food incident. But see how hard it is? I am trying really hard not to be a negative person, and to always laugh things off and find the silver linings, but it seems like I keep running into nothing but disappointment. Yes, it’s petty to be upset over a bad Chinese meal. And that I can’t seem to eat without having to give all of my favorite bits away if I don’t want to be screamed at for my entire meal. So I found something that gave me joy, but then it didn’t give me joy after all.
That’s just one example of how things seem to be going lately. I feel so petty complaining. But then, I feel like, if I’m disappointed, or not happy, or feeling mistreated in this life, don’t I have the right to talk about it? Aren’t I entitled to my feelings? And when did I lose the ability to let these little things roll off my back, instead of feeling like they have so much weight? What do you do when your baby steps towards happiness land you in a steaming pile?
On a more positive note, I’ve been walking every day it hasn’t rained. Getting out of the house helps, even if it’s just a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood. The little tyrant likes her walkie-poos, so it’s time that I;m not being screamed at. That’s nice. And I did carve a few minutes out after a shoot to go to the library and get a book I wanted that isn’t available as an e-library book. I haven’t been to the library since last summer maybe? Since I could carry the Icky-Boom in the moby, so definitely before I hurt my back.
And we started our spring planting Sunday. And Icky-Boom is taking her first steps.
So I mean, life isn’t all bad. There are good things. It’s just hard to find them. But I’m trying not to be discouraged. This is a journey. It’s starting a new way of thinking and new behaviors. It’s not going to happen all at once. I just have to be ok with that and not get frustrated.
